


Demons and Cats: My Valoris AU Collection

by mitchan



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Deal with a Devil, Demon Summoning, Ficlet Collection, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Ridiculous, demon Boris, they're cats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:42:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22472773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitchan/pseuds/mitchan
Summary: Three ficlets in two AUs, each more ridiculous than the other.Chapter 1 - demon Boris AUChapters 2 & 3 - they're cats AU
Relationships: Valery Legasov & Boris Shcherbina, Valery Legasov/Boris Shcherbina
Comments: 6
Kudos: 34





	1. How do you summon a demon by accident?

**Author's Note:**

> Months ago I was trying (and failing) to write a serious, plotty, angsty Valoris fic. Instead I wrote these two AUs. I don't think I'll ever do anything more with them so here they are!

“You summoned me,” said the figure standing in the middle of the circle, impatient and irritated.

“It was an accident,” Valery replied, even as he frantically wrote down his observations.

“How the hell do you summon a demon by  _ accident?!”  _ the figure asked, exasperated, and stepped forward. The face illuminated by the candlelight was strict, severe, grey-haired and handsome. He would have looked like a remarkable human male if it wasn’t for the eerie way his pupils shone purple in the dark. 

Valery pushed up his glasses and pointed at the old manuscript lying open beside him. He started talking, at first slow and formal, then increasingly excited: “I found this in my late grandfather’s collection of rare and antique books. Survived several purges hidden beneath the flooring in a locked chest. I was just, just curious, because they looked like mathematical formulas, and, and as I started to study them, well, it was all part of a large, complex equation and I had to draw it on the floor to make sense of it, geometrically - I guess the recitation was just an experiment, after that…”

A demon. A real demon was standing before him. What did that say about the space-time coordinates contained in the equation? Could they be applied elsewhere? Was teleportation -or something similar- theoretically possible?

Valery was so busy writing his frantic thoughts in his notebook that he jumped when the demon grabbed him by the shoulder. 

It was only then, as he stared into the fathomless, alien  _ purple _ eyes of a being that called itself a demon, with unknown strengths and powers, possibly with malicious intentions, that Valery realized that he might, actually, be in quite an enormous amount of trouble. 

“You… you can go back now. If- If you want,” he stammered out. 

The demon smiled with shiny white teeth. “Now why would I want to do that?” His voice was soft but full of terrible, dark promise. 

“Well, I- I suppose I don’t really know how any of this works, do I? Would you mind explaining? Where exactly do you come from? Are there others like you? Do you have a way to travel to and from different dimensions? How do-”

Valery stopped talking suddenly, frozen with his mouth open, as the demon took hold of his chin, not aggressively but firmly, and tilted his face to look up into the disconcerting eyes of the demon. 

“So that’s what you’re hungry for,” the demon muttered, eyes boring into Valery’s with pressing intent. 

“I, well- I…” Valery found himself completely at a loss for words. 

The demon was pacing around him, posture relaxed and perfectly at ease: “I can work with that. Let’s make a deal. Ask me anything, I shall answer to the best of my ability. Would that satisfy your thirst for knowledge?” 

“W-w-would you let me examine you, just- once?” Valery stammered, mind alight with possibility. 

The demon stopped his pacing, looked at Valery, and shrugged. “Sure,” he replied. 

Frowning, Valery stopped his racing thoughts for a moment. “And what do you require, in return?” he asked, suspicious. 

The demon made a dismissive gesture. “Oh, trifling things really. A place to rest. Nourishment. Occasional entertainment,” he said. The way his eyes flashed made Valery wary.

Still frowning, he steeled himself to ask: “I-is my immortal soul part of the deal?”

The demon laughed. There was something boisterous and warm in that laughter that caught Valery by surprise. 

And then the demon closed in, invading Valery’s personal space to whisper in his ear: “Don’t worry: when the time comes, you’ll give me your soul by your own volition, or I will leave without it.”

A chill went down Valery’s spine at the tone of the words, a hidden suggestion, but there was something fascinating in the other being that made Valery impulsively say: “Deal.”

“Good,” said the demon, and hugged him, strong arms around him, before planting a kiss on Valery’s lips. 

The demon felt soft and warm, steel underneath the grey suit, nothing cold or clammy as Valery had half expected. Valery touched his lips as the demon stepped back, what he’d just done still not sinking in. 

“I- My name’s Valery,” he belatedly introduced himself. 

“I know, Valery Legasov. You can call me Boris,” the demon said, strange eyes shining brightly in the candlelight, his smile showing a row of white, very white, teeth. 


	2. Ulana's Cats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This AUwas of course inspired by the "Boris steals the bread" video. That cat is my hero.

The bread bag smelled delicious and tempting. Boris pounced on it as soon as Ulana’s back was turned. He had almost managed to get it under the table when the human noticed he’d taken the bread. 

“Borya, not again! Give me back that bread!” Ulana said, and walked up to where Boris hid in the shadows, hoping to be unnoticed. Ulana yanked the bread bag back but Boris clung on, stubbornly, growling his threats of bodily harm. 

Unfortunately, Ulana was just as stubborn as Boris was, and kept yanking the bag from Boris’ iron-hard grip without any intention of just giving up the goddamn bread! 

Way back when Boris had lived on the rough streets of Kiev he’d survived in great part thanks to his food hoarding skills. He was an expert at taking dropped or unattended food from the humans. After a few growls and hisses, even the angriest of humans usually let go of their prize. 

But not Ulana, it seemed, so they were back again at the old battle. 

Which was interrupted rudely by a pitiful meow coming from a cardboard box Ulana had left on the table as she emptied the shopping. A ginger tabby cat peeked cautiously from the folds of the box, taking stock of the room - and freezing at the sight of the struggle in front of him. 

Boris growled harder. The new one wasn’t a kitten, easily cowed into submission, but it looked weakened by rough times on the street, body thin and cheeks marked with scratches. The submission of the newcomer could wait. Boris sunk his teeth further into the bag, tasting the sweet, hypnotic, alluring soft bread, and glared. Ulana glared back. 

“Borya, I swear!” Finally, she lifted the bag up, and Boris with it, grabbing it with his two front paws and holding on with the power of his jaw. Ulana shook the bag, almost laughing. She was beginning to falter. Boris held on and growled. The bag started to give as the stubborn human and tomcat warred for the bread, until it suddenly broke apart and the pieces of bread scattered over the floor. Boris fell softly on his four paws among the destruction, ignoring Ulana’s frustrated yell, and took a piece of bread and ran to his favorite hiding spot, the dark spot under the sofa.

On the table, the tabby ginger cat smelled the sweet smell of bread. 

He gingerly jumped down as Ulana was picking up the scattered pieces of bread, and sniffed carefully. 

The big grey tomcat was upon him in a flash, his back arched and hackles raised. 

_ The bread is MINE _ , Boris hissed. 

The old and rumpled ginger cat wisely retreated, putting Ulana’s bowed form between them. She noticed and took the newcomer into her arms, comforting it. 

“Borya, behave and be nice to Valery…” she said. 

Boris glared resentfully at the ginger cat for daring to approach his house, his human, and  _ his bread _ . 

“We’re just taking him in for a little while, and then we’ll look for someone to adopt him, ok?” Ulana explained in soothing tones. 

She left Valery back in the box and walked towards Boris to give him some reassuring pets, when- 

Boris darted out and stole yet another piece of bread, running to his hiding spot to Ulana’s angry cry: “Borya!  _ the bread _ !”


	3. more cats... no plot

On the day of his check-up, Ulana searched for Valery all around the apartment. Finally, she found him hidden within the narrow space at the back of the sofa, Boris beside him. 

For some reason, Boris seemed to have an uncanny ability to know when someone would be taken away to the vet. Perhaps it was the cage lying beside the door, or perhaps he could just smell Ulana’s intentions from afar. Ulana called Valery softly, and he perked up and took a few steps towards her. But then Boris stepped in front of him. Ulana reached her hand towards Valery, and Boris hissed at her. 

“You chose a very inconvenient time to become so protective of Valery,” Ulana complained. 

She wasn’t completely without resources. Deviously, she went to the kitchen and got out a new bag of bread, smuggled into the apartment under a heavy scarf, under all the other shopping items, and locked safely at the back of a cupboard. 

She crouched down and left it on the floor, on the other side of the room from the sofa. Its aroma wafted strong and sweet. Boris came up to the edge of the sofa and looked longingly at the bread. It was a very strong temptation. Ulana wasn’t too keen on sacrificing the bread, but the appointment with the vet was soon and if she missed it she’d have to wait even more. She didn’t have a lot of time to waste. 

Valery came up to join Boris at the edge of the sofa, meowing softly, questioning. 

Seeing him, Boris hissed in warning again, and led them both back to the back of the sofa. 

Ulana cursed in frustration. 

She pulled out the sofa from beside the wall and chased the cats around the apartment, getting a few scratches from Boris, before she finally managed to catch the big grey tomcat and put him in the cage. She brought out a cardboard box with holes for Valery, the same on she’d brought him to the house in. 

Both screamed relentlessly all the way to the vet. But it was nothing compared to how piteously Boris meowled when Ulana and the vet took Valery to the examination room, leaving Boris in the cage outside.

When Valery finally came back, a bit prodded and poked but given the all-clear, Boris kept glaring at Ulana in a terrible, foreboding silence all the way back to the apartment. 

Thankfully, when Ulana came back to the apartment after work, dreading what mess Boris had wreaked in her absence, she just found the two cats on the bedcovers, snuggled against each other, Boris covering Valery with his larger body, and carefully licking the other cat clean. 

“You’re a good friend, Boris,” Ulana whispered, moved by the sight. She smiled. “There’s no question about not keeping him now, is there?” 

Boris just glared. 

Not five minutes later, Ulana found the garbage bag upended, its contents scattered all around the kitchen floor, and was back to cursing the day she’d decided to keep Boris. 


End file.
